😡 Conflict is inevitable!

We aren’t going to avoid conflict all together within our relationships. Conflict can actually be beneficial. Say what? It’s true - if done in a healthy way, conflict can create a deeper understanding of your partner and therefore strengthen your connection and build intimacy. But we can’t forget to REPAIR! Repairing is essential in a healthy relationship. Many couples refrain from doing so because they simply “don’t know what to say” during or after a disagreement. Well here’s a little cheat sheet! Try one of these on for size from The Gottman Institute in your next couples quarrel.👇😍

*Repair attempts sound like:

-I see your point

-I love you

-Thank you for sharing this with me

-Can I take that back?

-I need your support right now

-Let me try again

-Can we take a break?

-I understand

-I really messed up, I can see my part in this

A blessing from above!

Today marks a year ago that my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Fighting cancer with 23 preventative treatments/surgeries during a pandemic isn’t ideal, but the outcome has been an absolute blessing from above!

After a two week scare in November that it may had returned (along with another surgery), we are happy to report that all was CLEAR and he has been officially cancer-free for one full year now!!! The treatments worked and he will have his FINAL round next week. Just in time for Christmas!

Of course they still plan to keep a close eye on him over the next year with quarterly scopes throughout 2021 but the doctor’s exact words were “I will tell you I don’t think he’s ever going have a reoccurrence.” I can’t say those words without tearing up! It was the best thing he ever could have said to us.

We know just how difficult and long other people’s journey with cancer can be for them and their families. It’s not lost on us just how fortunate we are that it has just now been a year. For those that are still in the midst of the battle, we see you and are praying for you. Everyone’s prayers and overall support for us this past year has made all the difference in the world. It has only solidified my belief in the power of prayer and positive thinking with every ounce of my being.

The mind game of it all is by far the hardest part. Learning to let go and let God is a struggle but once we get to that place I feel overwhelmingly more at peace. Along with that comes the knowing of just how precious each and every moment in time really is for all of us. The personal reflection this time of year brings makes that fact even more real, as the new year is upon us. Hallelujah!

Take the trip, have the hard yet healing conversations, be present, think less and let loose more, bear hug your people often, cry if you want to, live life a little more on the wild side and let go and let God because in the end you truly just don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

You never know how strong you are until you no longer have a choice. My hubby is a warrior and I simply adore him. Cheers to ONE YEAR of being cancer-free!

Now THAT’S a true Christmas miracle. 💫

Reminders from Rachel - Lessons through grief

July was a whirlwind of emotions... extreme joy to FINALLY hug my dear friend from college during the hardest months of his life, as well as extreme sadness as I sat in the very same spot in the park where I danced with his wife and my dear friend from high school but this time, just over 20 years later, we were there for her memorial. It was a surreal reminder of how we truly have no idea what life is going to bring or just where it will lead us.

My emotions came from so many angles... I watched as one of their daughters climbed up onto Brandon’s lap and buried her head in his shoulder as they were playing a video of Rachel. My heart deeply ached for her as their children are the very same age my sister and I were when we lost our mom. I just wanted to hold her in that moment... I see you baby girl. I had a pit in my stomach thinking about the fact that my husband is just halfway through his preventative cancer treatments and although things are looking up, I know that they can change so very quickly. I felt a heavy sorrow for the fact that such a bright light is no longer here on Earth with us and her sweet family is having to learn to live without her. It’s all so gut-wrenching to sit and allow yourself to feel that pain for all involved but the closure was so beautiful to watch. I didn’t need a reminder of how wonderful Rachel is as a person. She’s the kind that sticks with you. Her smile, her hugs, her positivity, her laugh, the way she danced (my how she could dance!) and the way she allowed the child within her to beam out at all times! It all sticks with you. It’s impossible for it not to... she was just that way. Her energy was just that unforgettable!

What I DID need a reminder of was to let that child inside of you out more often. Be more present and truly play more with your kids. Hug everyone much more and don’t be afraid to love on people the way you really want to love on them! Be yourself to the absolute core of your being. Have fun in everything you do! She was a reminder to live out our faith and spirituality more authentically without reservation. All of the stories of Rachel that were so eloquently spoken by her father, best friend and pastor were reminders of all of these things and much more. The biggest thing that Rachel taught the big crowd there to honor her yesterday was that fear is no match for God and I walked away in total awe yet again of how unwavering Rachel’s faith was through it all, right down to the very end. THAT was the most inspiring reminder of them all. Rachie - I love you so much, my little bebe!! Until we dance again... 💕

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Pssssst - Don't forget to date your partner!

Over the last few months, my husband and I’s dates may have moved from restaurants to our back patio but we are making it work!

Whatever you have to do to make it happen, don’t forget to date your partner! Quality time together is crucial in keeping connection strong relationally. 

Feed your friendship with your partner as you would a dear friend. You have to make an effort to ensure it stays alive and well. That one-on-one time shouldn’t be an “if we get to it” but rather an “our time is a priority.” The family and life you created wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your connection as a couple, so be sure and give it the attention it deserves. You’d be surprised what a little QT will do! 😉

Please validate it for me - Don’t fix it for me!

Anytime there is an overwhelmingly common discussion in my sessions with couples I feel compelled to share it. This topic has been on my list for a while...

Being able to freely share insecurities and frustrations about our individual personal life with our person is one of the many perks of being in a healthy partnership. Unfortunately I have seen one too many situations where sharing becomes scarce in a relationship, due in part to the response not being what they needed over and over again. Between the “I share often with my partner” and “I wish I could share with my partner” is where disconnection loves to live. This is Friendship 101 and it’s crucial to a happy relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients mention how frustrated they are with their partners when they come to them with an issue (outside of their relationship) and it’s met with “Well you should’ve done...” or “If I were you...” instead of “I can see where you would be upset” or “That must’ve been hard,” for example.

In these cases it is good to remember that you don’t have to completely UNDERSTAND where your partner is coming from to APPRECIATE their feelings. We are all wired differently (thankfully). The way that your brain processes a life issue is typically much different than how your partner’s brain takes it in. Accept it as THEIR feeling, sympathize with it and then validate their feelings. In short - validate it, don’t fix it. You don’t have to agree with them to support them, I promise. 

If you have something you’d like to share with your partner then set the stage. Expecting that your partner “should know” whether you simply need to just dump your feelings versus you need their help finding a solution is unfair. Note to self: Assuming my partner can mind read is rarely a good default in ANY situation. Be CLEAR with your partner on what you need in that moment before you begin the conversation. “I just need to vent right now” is a good place to start. All parties are clear on the expectation at hand. If you’d appreciate their input on a solution then make a commitment together to always ask for it first. If you don’t ask, then they can lean into active listening without interruption to ensure you truly feel heard.

In the end, feeling truly heard and validated feels like true love. 

IF YOU HAVE A POSITIVE THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER - SHARE IT!!! 💭

Many couples are left wondering on a daily basis if their partner is still “in to them.” 🤔 It’s an easy place to be within a relationship, due to the fact that we stop expressing admiration for each other as frequently as time goes on. It’s not that the loving thoughts are no longer there, although we may assume this is indeed the case. Most of the time they are still floating around in our partner’s head. “I’m so glad I am with him.” “She is such a good mom!” “We make a great team.” 

The void of those feel good comments is usually because we have simply stopped making it a priority to express them. If whispering sweet nothings isn’t your thing then write it out on a sticky note, text it during the day or scribble it on the mirror in lipstick. 💄 It doesn’t matter how you do it - JUST DO IT! Letting positive thoughts out is essential in a happy relationship. If you think it, say it!!! As Madonna would say, express yourself! 

“IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT, DO DIFFERENT!”

This is one of my absolute favorite mantras! It is probably the one I repeat to myself the most in life. In fact, I apparently say it so often to my friends and family that one of my dearest friends said, “You should write about this Jill.” Great idea! 

The good news is that this mantra works for so many areas of our lives. Work, relationships, personal goals, mundane tasks around the house, etc. That’s precisely why I love it so dang much. 

Now this mantra doesn’t have to only be used with the BIG things in life... the little things can benefit from this mindset as well. 

*A personal example of a little thing... 

My closet is the one area of my house that I flat out let myself 80%. I’m a recovering perfectionist and years ago a wise woman told me that you simply can’t 100% everything in your life. I must say it’s a much happier way to exist. So I took that advice when it came to perfecting my closet - but if we are being real, I had been allowing my closet to be more like 35%. 😬

Week after week I would beat myself up over the thread bomb that was my closet and I made every excuse in the book to justify it... until I sat down in the middle of my pile of apparel and had a heart to heart with myself. If I wanted different, then I needed to DO different! So I put a DIFFERENT plan in place... New plan = If it takes less than one-minute then I will put it away right then and there, versus chucking it on the floor. Simple! Me, myself and I are back to being friends with my 80% organized closet. 

The same logic goes for the bigger things in life. Stop making excuses, be honest with yourself about what you want and make a plan to ensure it happens! After all, according to Einstein (smart man) insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - so IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT, DO DIFFERENT!!!